Fat Kayakers

By Doug Lloyd

Fat Kayakers Rock! Pleasantly plump paddlers are better insulated and float without adjunctive buoyancy - though rarely come out of their kayaks at sea accidentally, as self-rescue and group rescue can be more difficult so they are therefore much more prudent. Beyond this too, epidemiological studies suggest death rates that are lower for those who are not too heavily overweight, but overweight none-the-less. And rotund paddlers paddle bigger boats so carry more food that they can share with skinny dudes unable to generate calories for heating when their own rations prove meager, not to mention they bring more beer that can be shared; they are a slower moving/bigger target for a grizzly charging a group of kayakers and alternatively may scare away scavenging creatures of opportunity, though secretly, their skinny companions are now drunk and are more easily subdued by hungry wildlife. With bigness comes bigger muscles so they make great towing machines and kayak lifters and believe this, seem to be way easier going unlike those tight-butted dudes who flip out at every inconvenience. While no lightweights when it comes to ability to manhandle a paddle, Mr. Big and Tall and Wide also doesn't need a rudder, as his craft sits lower in the water thereby increasing waterline length and therefore increasing tracking ability. Plus-sized paddlers have better websites, too! No roll or drown here, just good, meaty footage of surf carnage, splashing wave faces in the face and friends of all sizes cavorting around the sea. Eschewing the fat farm, these above average paddlers genetically predisposed to their size forego the elusiveness of thinness, make peace with their super-size and paddle on in pursuit of happiness and what health benefits accrue.